THE SEVEN SECRETS TO
INTIMACY
Numbers 1 – 4
First a definition by the book:
INTIMATE
1. a:
INTRINSIC, ESSENTIAL b:
belonging to one’s deepest nature
2. marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity
3. marked by a warm friendship developing
through a long association
4. of a very personal or private nature
Webster’s
Dictionary
Now, from ’Websters’, let’s continue to add to our own
definition of intimacy this way: not as action and behavior, but as an attitude. What will make successful and holy
relationships? The right attitude! Here
are the secrets:
SECRET # 1 - OPEN
To be open means being willing to look
at the issues within yourself - to look inside and say to yourself, “What needs
to happen here? The buck starts and
stops here and I am the one ultimately responsible.”
Most of the time our breakdowns will be
from not looking at who we are, how we
feel, and what we need to do. We tend to
focus on everyone out there. Earlier on
we talked about the Deadly Cycle and the need to project guilt out and find
fault in others. We just love to say,
“If they would just fix themselves we could have a great relationship!”
It just doesn’t work that way. We must
start with ourselves. This means
willingness to look at our own issues with courageous clarity - to be truly
open.
SECRET # 2 – HONEST
Here is the willingness to bring all of
your hidden concerns, fears, as well as your dreams, up for discussion with
your partner. This may include not just
your loving partner but friends, other family member, and neighbors ands
associates at work. And to bring these
issues up honestly - not to walk around
the edges, but to be clear and concise and to tell what you mean
without blame.
Remember the first secret is looking at
yourself and acknowledging your own
emotions and needs and desires, as well as your own breakdown areas.
Be honest discussing this with your
relationships. Share your desires, your needs and your
requests. Acknowledge your own mistakes
but don’t spend time blaming yourself and certainly don’t find fault with your partner.
SECRET # 3 – LIKE
For intimacy to succeed it is really
important to like the other person. We
will look more closely at this secret in another section on the components of a
successful marriage/partnership. But for
now just remember that you need to like the person, though you not necessarily
agree with or approve of their behavior and actions all the time. But it is
important to like the person. This means
you must have the willingness to give up judgments and allow a forgiving
view to replace the old.
Here is a spin on the Golden Rule. Like others just as you would like to be
liked.
SECRET # 4 – SHARE
Sharing -- to give and receive freely in
your relationship. No game playing, hidden agendas, power plays,
and no psychological accounting being done to make sure that what is
given is received in fair share.
Too often relationships seem to work only
if an unspoken bargain is kept meticulously, one of the foundation stones of
specialness. As mentioned before, when
one of the partners doesn’t show just the right amount of affection, or agree
with the other’s opinions, or enjoys the company of other friends, the bargain
seems broken and the relationship on the rocks.
Sharing is giving fully because giving is enjoyable in
and of itself. A gift is given without strings. It’s as simple as that.
Questions to Contemplate
and Discuss
1. Your last two prayers you created will have set the stage for openness and
honesty. Notice how successful you have been. Remember, the prayers will work
only if you are truly willing.
2. Do you actually like the person you
are ‘in love’ with? It’s important to get in touch with that. But not to worry,
we will cover this and its correction later in the course.
3. Notice how often you give to your partner the freedom to be just who they
are, doing the things just the way they do it. Create a prayer that you wish to
give this freedom freely.
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