A Look at Intimacy for Valentine's Day

 Let’s define intimacy not as action and behavior, but instead as attitude.  What will make successful relationships?   The right attitude! (You can find this and much more in my book "Hand and Hand - Recovery and Miracles" in the left column)

SECRET # 1 - OPEN

            To be open means being willing to look at the issues within yourself - to look inside and say to yourself, “What needs to happen here?  The buck starts and stops here and I am the one ultimately responsible.”

            Most of the time our breakdowns will be from not looking at  who we are, how we feel, and what we need to do.  We tend to focus on everyone out there.  Earlier on we talked about the Deadly Cycle and the need to project guilt out and find fault in others.  We just love to say, “If they would just fix themselves we could have a great relationship!”

            It just doesn’t work that way. We must start with ourselves.  This means willingness to look at our own issues with courageous clarity - to be truly open.

SECRET # 2 – HONEST

            Here is the willingness to bring all of your hidden concerns, fears, as well as your dreams, up for discussion with your partner.  This may include your spouse, a friend, or family member, or an associate at work.  And to bring these issues up  honestly - not to walk around the edges, but to be clear and concise and to tell  what you mean  without blame. 

            Remember the first secret is looking at yourself and acknowledging  your own emotions and needs and desires, as well as your own breakdown areas.

            Be honest discussing this with your relationships.  Share  your desires, your needs and your requests.  Don’t spend time blaming yourself and certainly don’t find fault with your partner.

SECRET # 3 – LIKE

            For intimacy to succeed it is really important to like the other person.  We will look more closely at this secret in the next section on the components of a successful marriage.  But for now just remember that you need to like the person, not necessarily agree with or approve of their behavior and actions all the time. But it is important to like the person.

Here is  a spin on the Golden Rule.  Like others just as you would like to be liked.

SECRET # 4 – SHARE

            Sharing -- to give and receive freely in your relationship.  No game playing,  hidden agendas,  power plays,  and no psychological accounting being done to make sure that what is given is received in fair share.            

            Too often relationships seem to work only if an unspoken bargain is kept meticulously.  When one of the partners doesn’t show just the right amount of affection, or agree with the other’s opinions, or heaven forbid,  enjoys the company of other friends, the bargain seems broken and the relationship on the rocks.

            Sharing is giving fully because giving is enjoyable in and of itself.  It’s as simple as that.

  

SECRET # 5 – RESPECT

            Respect your partner and free them to make his or her own decisions without your interference.  Allow them to succeed as well as fail in their own process of growth.  This is how we all learn and we can’t do it for others.  We can’t fix things for others.  We would only be a Freddie the Fixer if we did.  

            It is our responsibility to learn the appropriate boundaries for ourseslves and others --  and then respect them!

SECRET # 6 – HELP

            Now here is when you get a chance to actually give advice or actually do something concrete to help your partner. But guess what?  You don’t do it until you are asked!

            Don’t intrude your advice or help into a situation in which it is simply not wanted.  When someone shows you in some way that they want your help, then you can involve yourself.  They must give you permission first.

            The challenge is not to be attached to your advice.  Remember to share without identifying with your advice or help. Through prayer and meditation you can find that powerful place within yourself that frees you to be spiritually detached - loving, helpful when appropriate -- and not feel hurt if your advice is refused.

SECRET # 7 – THANK

            Appreciate all the efforts your partner makes toward the success of your relationship. 

            There are only two messages sent, no matter what is really said.

            1 – “I am helping in the only way I know how”.

            2 – “I am frightened and confused and need help”.

Make the effort to hear these messages hidden within your conversations, and they will then elicit from you a sense of gratitude and love which you will want to share.

            Remember, say “thank you” often!

DON’T FORGET YOURSELF

           

            And by the way, how about creating real healing for yourself too?

            Will you be open and honest with yourself? 

            Will you like yourself and share freely, not denying yourself what you need and desire?

            Will you respect your own boundaries and help yourself whenever you need to?

            And will you thank yourself for all the efforts you make to heal yourself and your world?

            If you do  apply these Seven Secrets of Intimacy to yourself the world will see the light of love and forgiveness shining brightly through you.