Let’s
speed things up a lot. Vacation is calling. So you can receive them now, here
are the rest of the lessons in this series. Take your time or read them all at
once. Enjoy and contemplate and you should find a few jewels that speak right
to your heart.
Lesson 3
ENDING THE ANGER GAMES
Creating
a holy relationship demands a stabilizing of your own emotions. Psychic shock absorbers are going to be a
necessity.
So, we
will need to review the Deadly Cycle of devolving focus into problems rather
than solutions, and then once again review the alternative called the Healing
Cycle of acceptance, forgiveness and peace. I’ll give you a quick review here,
but for more detail you can find this in another mini course, “Who’s Minding
Your Mind?”
The
Deadly Cycle starts with a simple choice that leads to tragic results – we
close ourselves to the full experience of our spiritual reality and narrow our
vision to a limited view of ourselves and our world. (I know, heavy stuff but
hang in there) Now we feel separated from God and in our truncated viewpoint
God must be really unhappy with us. We feel guilt. We fear his retaliation and
we cunningly point the guilt finger (anger) at everyone else to redirect God’s
retribution. You can see how this viewpoint can mess up any and all
relationships. Whew! Nasty.
The
Healing Cycle is simple and quick, provided we make this our choice. Pronto.
Recognize we need a pair of spiritual glasses, ask for the powerful Knower
within to give us new sight and wha la! We feel connected, free of guilt and
unworthiness and no longer need to find fault with and be angry with the world
around us, and especially the people we are supposed to love.
By a
practical, step by step process anyone stop rocking his or her emotional
boat. From this placid position the
world and the people who surround you can be seen with clarity and serenity.
Surprise,
surprise! Clarity brings insight
followed by appropriate decisions. And
the individuals who come into your life can be experienced accurately.
Acquaintances,
friends and lovers will fall naturally into the right categories. No more stretching and squeezing yourself
into relationships that simply don’t fit - everything is now customed sized.
Relationships can become holy.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1. Review the Deadly Cycle and then
just take note of how often you find yourself in one of its parts – guilt,
fear, anger.
2. In order for us to perceive
holiness we must be willing for a new perspective to be given to us. Are you
willing to be wrong about your assessment of your partner?
3. Once more create a prayer for the
willingness to accept we may be wrong so that an opening for a new perspective
can be received.
Good job. These cycles are really important to notice as you make your
choices. You hung in there through the heavy stuff that I tried to make more
palatable. Now we will be ready to cover some sweet suggestions I know you will
enjoy in the next lesson.
For books blogs and more:
bettejeancundiff.blogspot.com
Lesson 4
THE 7 SECRETS TO INTIMACY
Let’s add to our own definition of intimacy: not as
action and behavior, but as an attitude.
What will make successful and holy relationships? The right attitude! Here are the secrets:
SECRET # 1 - OPEN
To
be open means being willing to look at the issues within yourself - to look
inside and say to yourself, “What needs to happen here? The buck starts and stops here and I am the
one ultimately responsible.”
Most
of the time our breakdowns will be from not looking at who we are, how we feel, and what we need to
do. We tend to focus on everyone out
there. Earlier on we talked about the
Deadly Cycle and the need to project guilt out and find fault in others. We just love to say, “If they would just fix
themselves we could have a great relationship!”
It
just doesn’t work that way. We must start with ourselves. This means willingness to look at our own
issues with courageous clarity - to be truly open.
SECRET # 2 – HONEST
Here
is the willingness to bring all of your hidden concerns, fears, as well as your
dreams, up for discussion with your partner.
This may include not just your loving partner but friends, other family
member, and neighbors ands associates at work.
And to bring these issues up
honestly - not to walk around the edges, but to be clear and concise and
to tell what you mean without blame.
Remember
the first secret is looking at yourself and acknowledging your own emotions and needs and desires, as
well as your own breakdown areas.
Be
honest discussing this with your relationships.
Share your desires, your needs
and your requests. Acknowledge your own
mistakes but don’t spend time blaming yourself and certainly don’t find fault
with your partner.
SECRET # 3 – LIKE
For
intimacy to succeed it is really important to like the other person. We will look more closely at this secret in
another section on the components of a successful marriage/partnership. But for now just remember that you need to
like the person, though you not necessarily agree with or approve of their
behavior and actions all the time. But it is important to like the person. This
means you must have the willingness to
give up judgments and allow a forgiving view to replace the old.
Here is a spin on the
Golden Rule. Like others just as you
would like to be liked.
SECRET # 4 – SHARE
Sharing
-- to give and receive freely in your relationship. No game playing, hidden agendas, power plays,
and no psychological accounting being done to make sure that what is
given is received in fair share.
Too
often relationships seem to work only if an unspoken bargain is kept
meticulously, one of the foundation stones of specialness. As mentioned before, when one of the partners
doesn’t show just the right amount of affection, or agree with the other’s
opinions, or enjoys the company of other friends, the bargain seems broken and
the relationship on the rocks.
Sharing
is giving fully because giving is enjoyable in and of itself. A gift is given
without strings. It’s as simple as that.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
Your last two prayers you created will have set the stage for openness and
honesty. Notice how successful you have been. Remember, the prayers will work
only if you are truly willing.
2.
Do you actually like the person you
are ‘in love’ with? It’s important to get in touch with that. But not to worry,
we will cover this and its correction later in the course.
3.
Notice how often you give to your partner the freedom to be just who they
are, doing the things just the way they do it. Create a prayer that you wish to
give this freedom freely.
Lesson 5
THE 7 SECRETS TO INTIMACY
SECRET # 5 – RESPECT
Respect
your partner and free them to make his or her own decisions without your
interference. Allow them to succeed as
well as fail in their own process of growth.
This is how we all learn and we can’t do it for others. We can’t fix things for others.
Our
responsibility is to learn the appropriate boundaries for ourseslves and others
-- and then respect them. This is huge!
Just because someone is important to you doesn’t give you the right to direct
their lives. If they want advice or your perspective, well O.K. you’ve been
given the green light to share. But, if not, you have to step back. Note, this
rule applies to adults, remember. The rules are very different if you are a
parent with young children.
However,
no matter the relationships, learning to have faith in another’s growth process
can be extremely challenging, but becomes an essential component is the holy
relationship.
SECRET # 6 – HELP
Now,
here is when you get a chance to actually give advice or actually do something
concrete to help your partner. But remember.
You don’t do it until you are asked!
Don’t
intrude your advice or help into a situation in which it is simply not
wanted. When someone shows you in some
way that they want your help, then you can involve yourself. They must give you permission first. We
referred to this before, but here is the important twist:
The
challenge is not to be attached to your advice.
Remember to share without identifying with your advice or help, and not
feel hurt if your advice is refused. Remember, the beginning of the Deadly
Cycle starts with feelings of rejection. Identify with your advice and then
your worth is tied to acceptance of your opinions.
Through
prayer and meditation you can find that powerful place within yourself that
frees you to be spiritually detached, loving, helpful when appropriate. Happy
to give and not expect or need anything in return.
Oh,
let’s not forget. Knowing what to do and say needs to be guided by the Inner
Knower. Don’t jump in unless you have prayed for guidance.
SECRET # 7 – THANK
In
order to appreciate all the efforts your partner makes toward the success of
your relationship a very important perspective must be employed – a forgiving
perspective. What does that mean?
Understanding
what and why your partner does and says is like excavating for treasure. The
first layer of dirt is hiding the truth. Dig further, and when you reach down
the treasure shines brightly. Here’s a tip on how to know you discovered your
prize:
No
matter what is said or done there is only one of two messages sent, no matter
what it looks or sounds like.
1
– “I am helping in the only way I know how”.
2
– “I am frightened and confused and need help”.
Read
these two messages again and be sure to understand their importance. If someone
is trying to help, no matter how poorly executed, you gotta love ’em. And if
someone’s words and action come from a state of anxiety and desperation, won’t
that open your own heart to compassion and make
want you to offer a big hug?
Make
the effort to hear these messages hidden within your conversations, and they
will then elicit from you a sense of gratitude and love which you will want to
share. Your partner will love and
appreciate you for it.
Remember,
say “thank you” often!
DON’T FORGET YOURSELF
And
by the way, how about creating real healing for yourself too?
Will
you be open and honest with yourself?
Will
you like yourself and share freely, not denying yourself what you need and
desire?
Will
you respect your own boundaries and help yourself whenever you need to?
And
will you thank yourself for all the efforts you make to heal yourself and your
world?
If
you do apply these Seven Secrets of
Intimacy to yourself, the world will see the light of love and forgiveness
shining brightly through you.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
Have you been using your prayer to give the gift of freedom? If so, then
respecting your partner’s boundaries will be easy. If not, keep repeating your
prayer with willingness.
2.
Take notice of all your
conversations and interactions. Label (within your own mind!) whether the other
is trying to help or calling for help. They may not want to hear those labels
out loud.
3.
Now take notice of your conversations and interactions and label YOUR OWN
as either trying to help or calling for help.
Great! We are half way through this mini course.
COMPONENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE/PARTNERSHIP
Whether you are already legally
married, or in some long term partnership, or would like to be in one that
really works, you may be interested in looking at the components that are necessary
to make this happen. . .
Lesson 6
Easy commitment and natural fidelity
The
first component of a successful marriage, or long term commitment in an adult
relationship is a natural fidelity or commitment.
The
first and most important aspect of making a marriage/partnernship work is a
natural commitment to be faithful to only one partner. Without this the
marriage will begin to break down. You can’t force or artificially create
commitment. Either commitment is or
isn’t. It will be vitally important that
you recognize which you have, and which your partner has.
When
I counseled individuals and couples, this is the first thing I wanted them to
address. Do they have a firm and natural
commitment to each other? If they are
not firmly committed, and wish instead to be with other individuals intimately,
they are in a dating mode rather than a marriage mode. This is neither good nor
bad, but simply is.
For
a marriage to be successful, which mode marriage or dating, must be recognized
and discussed with the other partner. It is not fair, and perhaps even cruel,
when lack of commitment continues within a marriage. Even if your actions are impeccable, your
attitude will not be, and your partner will feel this. I believe this is what
Jesus meant by adultery in the New Testament –
thinking of and dwelling on someone else romantically, rather than your
marriage partner.
Does
this mean you shouldn’t notice someone who is attractive? Of course you can! You can appreciate beauty and art wherever it
appears. But dwelling and fantasizing,
with a strong wish to act upon this needs to be recognized honestly for what it
is -- you are not truly committed to your partner. You are in a dating mode and
you must acknowledge this.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
Make a list of those things that are important to you in your life. These
are the fundamental necessities for you to be content.
2.
Make a list a list of those things
that are important, and the fundamental necessities for your partner, or partner
to be. Let that partner help you create this list.
3.
Now compare both lists. How many areas are the same. And of the areas that
are not, can their be real and comfortable compromise.
Be very, very honest in these lists and negotiations.
Lesson 7
To actually like and respect each other
Too
many individuals are attracted to their partner because of only one trait. Perhaps, its sexual or financial, or as an
example, the partner’s helplessness stimulates the co-dependent Freddie the
Fixer mode in them.
If,
however, they look at the whole individual they have chosen for a life long
partner - philosophies and attitudes,
general and specific behavior and approach to life - they may realize they
don’t really like them!
Now
this situation can be just fine in a friendship or a working relationship. You don’t have to be aligned with all aspects
of the other individuals in your life.
But this simply will not work if you want to live with someone
intimately for a length of time. So, in
order for a successful marriage to work you must get to know each other and see
if you actually like and respect each other across the board.
Remember,
when you don’t like or approve of something you will want to change and mold it
to fit your desires. Usually your
partner doesn’t appreciate the re-tooling and both of you become angry and
frustrated. What this actually means is
that you don’t really want the person you are with, you actually want someone
that fits your mold.
Be
honest about this, but also get in touch with reality. The more attuned you are to people and their
fears and concerns, as well as their
loves and spiritual strength, the more you discover about them to like and
respect.
To
make a marriage work, however, I feel you do need to agree on basic
philosophies and attitudes about life.
You can then more easily understand, enjoy and support each other. It may take time for you to explore this
attunement through discussions and
activities, but that’s courtship. What fun.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
In the last lesson you created your lists for compatability. Now make a
private list of what ‘bugs’ you about your partner, or partner to be. Be as
‘petty’ as you wish. This must be how you honestly feel.
2.
Take each area of annoyance listed above and pray with great sincerity for
another more comfortable way of seeing the other.
3.
Note, it is O.K. if you just can’t get past some of these annoyances. For
now, this will show you if you can comfortably live with the other or not.
Note: A high level of annoyance isn’t necessarily a sign
of lack of love, only a lack of compatability for living together.
Lesson 8
Sexual Attraction
Though
this is usually the first and only component many people focus on, this is the
least important of the components for a successful marriage , or any long term
adult relationship.
If
you have a natural commitment for making
your relationship work, if you have a natural liking and respect for your
partner as a whole person, then sexual attraction tends to follow quite comfortably.
Oh,
your technique might need refinement, but if you are committed to the
relationship you can easily learn how to improve, especially when you want to
be more sensitive to your partner’s needs and to share your own sexual desires.
Though
sexual attraction so often is the prime directive for marriage, it is the
weakest link in all three components.
Let this instead be simply the attention getter, and then focus on being
sure the other components are naturally strong.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
Get in touch with your own sexual needs and then observe the same in your
partner, or partner to be. Just observe without judgment.
2.
Are you ready to admit you may need to improve this area, either in
technique or sensitivity to your partner.
3.
Take the time to gently discuss this area together with reverence, respect
and willingness for love to prevail. *
* Note: if
this is too scary, take some time to work through the next lesson on Caring
Communication before having that conversation.
Lesson 9
CARING COMMUNICATION
Use
these pointers whenever you find you and your loved one need to share,
complain, unload, or maybe just have a partner “understand”.
First make a safe place:
Here
is the prime directive! Make a safe
place. That means first and foremost you
let your loved one know that he or she is welcome. You will accept them just as they is without
judgment. Maybe all you need do is sit
down with a cup of coffee, smile gently and pat his or her hand as they
talk. You may not need to say anything!
Remember, we all begin with a sense of
unworthiness and fear, and the Deadly Cycle spirals downward to hell from
there. By simply replacing unworthiness
and fear with acceptance and safety the
spiral reverses to healing and heaven on earth.
Then remember. You are never upset for the reason you think:
No
matter what your love one thinks is the problem, no matter how simple or
complex this issue, it will always boil down to one choice - they saw
themselves separate and alone surrounded by enemies, in a world out of their
control. This is the Deadly Cycle’s
insidious symptom.
Now,
whatever you do don’t try to tell your loved one the problems are all his or
her fault! Instead, simply share how YOU saw all YOUR issues
stemming from this one cause, and how YOUR choice for healing rather
than attack brought YOU peace. If your partner is intrigued then tell
your loved one about how you used self asking and inner listening to accomplish
success.
Listen and learn carefully. What you teach/share is what you
also have to learn:
Remember
this important fact - the problems your loved one unburdens with you, are going
to be very similar to your own. This is no accident. The universe knows just how to join those
individuals who can best help each other.
Each time your partner unburdens, he or she is bringing your own
problem to you, in the guise of their own,
to be revisited once more!
Where
you made a faulty choice before you can now make a healing one. Through your friend’s problem you get a
chance for healing your life also! The tendency is to handle issues the ‘old
and comfortable’ way with fear, guilt and anger.
Now is
the opportunity to reach for a higher, more insightful answer to your shared
perspective than the one you both held before. As you shift to the Healing Cyle
you can share your new understanding. You and your partner get a chance to
gently heal together.
Questions to
Contemplate and Discuss
1.
Refrain from having deep
discussions about thorny issues with your partner until you feel you have
reviewed the above communication tips thoroughly.
2.
Still need to discuss
issues? Then go slowly and correct any mistakes you notice in communicating that
YOU make. Don’t correct your partner!
3.
Remember, you can always
do better next time. And you can tell your partner just this anytime you want.
Just remember to practice and you will actually get better at communication
skills.
Lesson 10
COURTSHIP – AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE!
Courtship
is wonderfully romantic, old-fashioned,
yet absolutely essential. Courtship is when you can spend thoroughly enjoyable
days and evenings getting to know each other.
This is when it is appropriate to ask the following questions, and discuss the answers honestly and fully.
1.
Are you truly committed to fidelity?
Are you truly willing to be in a marriage mode rather than a dating
mode, specifically with each other?
2.
Are your desires and goals, your philosophies and attitudes, your
behaviors and methods aligned. Do you
really like and respect each other? It’s
not that you each must do everything perfectly.
It is important, however that you don’t drive each other crazy most of
the time. As you each stumble through
life’s challenges, on the whole do you find each other charming rather than
irritating? Are you willing to watch
with concern yet keep a respectful distance, then swell with pride at each
other’s achievements?
3.
Are you sexually attracted to each other? If you are committed and truly like and
respect your partner then you can learn to grow into a loving and tender sexual
relationship. Are you willing to create
this?
If all the signals are a go, then
courtship has done its job. Hand in hand you
both
are now ready to take the next step into a successful relationship.
Questions to Contemplate and Discuss
1.
If you are starting or wanting to start a new romantic relationship this
is the section to study carefully. Review all three area carefully and fully.
2.
Are you already in a romantic relationship? Then review these three points
and let them remind you need to keep it successful.
3.
Create a final prayer of commitment to holiness and the constant
correction of specialness as it crops up.
Great! You are on your way to a truly happy, loving and yes, holy
relationship.
For other mini courses by
Bette Jean Cundiff designed specifically to help you apply the complex concepts
presented in ‘A Course in Miracles’ go to
bettejeancundiff.blogspot.com
For an in depth understanding of special
and holy go to ‘A Course in Miracle
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