Step
One
Are
you having too much fun with guilt, fear, and anger?
From the moment we gasp that first
breath, we start screaming, “I want things MY way, and I want them right now!” And, usually, Mom and Dad come running to do our
bidding as we manipulate with guilt, fear and anger. The ego’s game is now ‘afoot’! And the game is constantly in motion – we crave
and then we fuss and fuss some more until we get it. Then once more we’re off onto
the next thing we want, fuss over it until we get it, and so on.
Interestingly, focusing on a desire
happens in a nanosecond or less. But, the fussing, fuming, ruminating, manipulating
and raging over this desire take constant mental and physical energy. After
all, once you claim this precious item, the ego’s game is finished. Well,
that’s no fun says the ego. Let’s play again. And so ‘snap’ another desire hits
the old gray cells and we’re off.
Just the other
night I watched ‘Survivor’ on TV for a few minutes. The teams were told the
reward for winning their next challenge would be all the ice cream they could
eat. You could see their eyes gleam as they licked their lips and rubbed their
hands ready to tackle ridiculously difficulty water obstacles. They were ready
to do almost anything just to get that bowl of ice cream. For them, the ice
cream was just a teaser which, if won, would be consumed in a few minutes and
then gone. But the struggle, the pain, the humiliation and frustration as they
tried to cross the water obstacles was where the supreme joy was hidden.
Viewers on the
other end of the TV from those teams vicariously shared the struggle for that
ice cream. Viewers agonized along with those teams, groaning and laughing each
time a member got dunked in the drink. Boy or boy, who knew pain, frustration
and disappointment could be sooo much fun?
The ego knew. The ego lives for it. Guilt,
fear, anger and their delicious pain – these are what the ego desires – not the
fleeting reward, but the emotional and sometimes physical hit of pain.
What is the
first step in AA asking us to do but recognize what we are addicted to, and
then admitting our lives have taken a deadly dive south because of it. Well, if
we look really closely, what we are first and foremost addicted to is ego’s
tricky trio – guilt, fear and anger, and the resultant pain.
Think about that
for a moment. Is there any time during the day when you are not feeling unworthy
(aka guilty), anxious about failing (aka fearful), and filled with righteous
indignation over another’s actions (aka angry)? Even when you are with a loved
one that blissful moment so often slips sideways into distrust, annoyance,
jealousy in a split second. What is the percentage break down? Happy 10%.
Unhappy (guilty, fearful, angry) 90%? And is that one of your better days?
So, here is
where we have our work cut out for us:
1 - Recognize
when you are not totally contented which will be, in fact, rarely.
2 – Recognize that you are choosing to not be
contented. Get real here. This is actually craving pain, and has become an addiction. Just think - how often do you replay all your
worry and anger again and again? My goodness, you wouldn’t want to lose any,
would you? After all, they create all that delicious pain and struggle the ego
loves.
3 – Now, accept
that ego’s game is destroying your life and your life has become unmanageable.
That’s it, but WOW,
what a big step this is.
(Step one from AA's Twelve Steps:
“We admitted we were powerless over
alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”)
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