Today's Mind Opener - Finally, Recovery from co-dependency roles!

(In this week's Mind Opener we finish up with Healthy Henrietta, in our  detailed look at the five roles children manifest in dysfunctional families - Just check the archives below and you will probably see yourself in one of these roles there. I certainly did!  From the book "Hand in Hand" - just scroll down the left side bar to see the book)

Are these roles ever helpful?

            Yes and no.

            These roles are either helpful or not helpful.  They are not helpful when you are stuck in them.  But aspects of each of these roles can be used in helpful and appropriate ways.  Having access within yourself to all of these roles to be drawn on when necessary, can be helpful.

            Freddie the Fixer’s role can offer you the ability to work hard and exceed your expectations.

            Tommie the Terrible’s role can offer you the courage to be the rebel and say, “No way will I go along with this, it’s wrong!”

            Laura the Loner’s role offers you the ability to be by yourself and be content.

            Joey the Joker’s role allows you to be the center of attention when necessary to teach and to entertain others.

            Bonnie the Baby’s role keeps you from refusing help when you honestly need it.

HEALTHY HENRIETTA

What makes Henrietta healthy?                      

           

            She understands she is not locked into any role. 

            She is beginning to learn how to act appropriately.

            She can blend and flow and be fluid as each life situation demands.

            She understands she may not always have the answer or do everything right, but she knows all mistakes can be corrected.

            One of the main characteristics of all the dysfunctional roles we have been discussing is denial.  They are not looking at problems directly and are using their roles to both cope with what they believe is the problem and also to distract them from it.  They may deny they are doing anything wrong and then may deny that anything they do wrong has  real effect.  This keeps them from experiencing their true emotions.  They can only recognize those emotions that fit into their chosen role.  All others must be stuffed and ignored.  And so emotions are mislabled and expressed incorrectly.

            Healthy Henrietta is not without anger, and not without fear, or guilt or a sense of unworthiness, jealousy and all the other unfortunate emotions we put ourselves through. Instead she allows herself to feel these emotions and then does something healthy:

1.  She recognizes her breakdown areas of dysfunction immediately.  If she is not truly peaceful and content she knows she needs help.  She doesn’t make believe it’s all O.K. when it’s not.  She acknowledges it.

2.  She  labels the breakdown area accurately.  She doesn't make excuses for it or call it something else.

3.  She goes to the appropriate help and gets the correct guidance.  She doesn’t talk to the wrong friends or go to the incorrect, though perhaps well meaning, helper.  She knows they would only support her breakdown area.  And she doesn’t want that.  She wants real help.

4. She follows the corrective advice, direction and instructions and practices what she must do to correct her problem.  She’s not lazy.  She will work hard and consistently to help herself.  She is patient.

           

5.   She is willing to open to another person and risk feeling her emotions.   She is willing to move beyond her own dysfunctional role and look beyond another’s dysfunctional role to the real and divine person hiding within

YOUR LEGACY—RECOVERY

            As you observe the people in your life, allow the insights you have now gained to give you compassion for all those stuck in these roles – compassion for your parents, for your spouse and ex-spouses, friends and neighbors. . . and expecially for yourself.

            If you are walking around in a body, you will fear the instability of an out of control world  and  believe that you are unworthy to face the risks of life.  This is normal.  But like Healthy Henrietta you can decide to recognize truly, learn to accept correctly, and practice diligently. 

            You can build a sense of security, a sense of worth, and an ability to open to love in the world, and within yourself.

            Recovery doesn’t mean you always make the right decisions.  Recovery means you have learned how to make decisions and are willing to correct them when necessary.  And this is a miracle.

            From this miraculous recovery you can now offer a legacy:  The legacy of healthy relationships --  with others and with yourself.