Making romantic relationships work!

June is the traditional month for brides and grooms so let’s look at something about choosing the right relationships and keeping them healthy over the years.

“. . .COMPONENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

          Whether you are already legally married, or in some long term relationship, or would like to be in one that really works, you may be interested at looking at the components that are necessary to make this happen. . .

. . .To have easy commitment and natural fidelity

          The first component of a successful marriage, or long term commitment in an adult relationship is a natural fidelity or commitment.

          The first and most important aspect of making a marriage work is a natural commitment to be faithful to only one partner. Without this the marriage will begin to break down. You can’t force or artificially create commitment.  Either commitment is or isn’t.  It will be vitally important that you recognize which you have, and which your partner has. 

          When I counsel individuals and couples, this is the first thing I want them to address.  Do they have a firm and natural commitment to each other?  If they are not firmly committed, and wish instead to be with other individuals intimately, they are in a dating mode rather than a marriage mode. This is neither good nor bad, but simply is. 

          For a marriage to be successful which mode, marriage or dating, must be recognized and discussed with the other partner. It is not fair, and perhaps even cruel, when lack of commitment continues within a marriage.  Even if your actions are impeccable, your attitude will not be and your partner will feel this. I believe this is what Jesus meant by adultery in the New Testament – not just thinking of but  dwelling on someone else romantically, rather than your marriage partner, is adultery. 

          Does this mean you shouldn’t notice someone who is attractive?  Of course you can!  You can appreciate beauty and art wherever it appears.  But dwelling and fantasizing, with a strong wish to act upon this needs to be recognized honestly for what it is -- you are not truly committed to your partner. You are in a dating mode and you must  acknowledge this.

. . .To actually like and respect each other

          Too many individuals are attracted to their partner because of only one trait.  Perhaps, its sexual, or financial, or as an example, the partner’s helplessness stimulates the Freddie the Fixer in them. 

          If, however, they look at the whole individual they have chosen for a life long partner -  philosophies and attitudes, general and specific behavior and approach to life - they realize they don’t really like them!

          Now this situation can be just fine in a friendship or a working relationship.  You don’t have to be aligned with all aspects of the other individuals in your life.  But this simply will not work if you want to live with them intimately for a length of time.  So in order for a successful marriage to work you must get to know each other and see if you actually like and respect each other across the board.  

          Remember, when you don’t like or approve of something you will want to change and mold it to fit your desires.  Usually your partner doesn’t appreciate the re-tooling and both of you become angry and frustrated.   What this actually means is that you don’t really want the person you are with, you actually want someone that fits your mold. 

          Be honest about this, but also get in touch with reality.  The more attuned you are to people and their fears and concerns, as well as  their loves and spiritual strength, the more you discover about them to like and respect.

          To make a marriage work, however, I feel you do need to agree on basic philosophies and attitudes about life.  You can then more easily understand, enjoy and support each other.   It may take time for you to explore this attunement  through discussions and activities, but that’s courtship. What fun.

. . .To be sexually attracted to each other.

          Though this is usually the first and only component many people focus on, this is the least important of the components for a successful marriage, or any long term adult relationship.

          If you have a natural commitment  for making your relationship work, if you have a natural liking and respect for your partner as a whole person, then sexual attraction tends to follow  quite comfortably.

          Oh, your technique might need refinement, but if you are committed to the relationship you can easily learn how to improve, especially when you want to be more sensitive to your partner’s needs and to share your own sexual desires.

          Though sexual attraction so often is the prime directive for marriage, it is the weakest link in all three components.   Let this instead be simply the attention getter, and then focus on being sure the other components are naturally strong. . .”

(For the rest of this in Hand in Hand – Recovery and Miracles, you can find it in the left column)