Some thoughts on the Co-Dependent Roles We All Get Stuck In!

          

  Every family is beset with a constantly changing universe.  Jobs change, children and adults grow old, illnesses happen.  Families move from town to town.  Children must adjust to new schools and new environments and adults must face  financial shifts and the stress of parenting.  To these normal families the world seems  out-of-control.

            In order to cope with these scary and annoying fluctuations individuals will choose one of these previous tactics. Sometimes they choose both. Usually partners alternate roles with the other .  Most people, however have a favorite Tactic and use that one most of the time. 

            Sometimes these role choices dovetail so nicely that little overt stress is noticed in the relationship.  The co-dependent rather successfully takes care of the addict and the addict makes sure he doesn’t change thereby graciously supporting both their roles.

           

The Five Roles children seem to manifest in a dysfunctional family and carry into adult life:

1.       Freddie the Fixer

2.      Tommy the Terrible

3.      Laura the Loner

4.      Joey the Joker

5.      Bonnie the Baby

Let’s take a look at Freddie. Do  you recognize him in yourself or one of your family members?

1. FREDDIE THE FIXER

            Freddie the Fixer is the over-achiever, perfectionist.   Freddie is usually, although not always, the oldest in the family and never gets to be a child.  He is immediately thrown into the role of acting like a grown up.  Some children do very “nicely” and become the perfect child.  Fredericka the Fixer is always dressed perfectly in frills and maryjane shoes.  She knows when to get the glass of water, or perhaps the glass of wine for the parent.  She knows when and how to make the phone calls when necessary, clean the house and make sure things are taken care of.  Freddie and Fredericka are the  straight “A” students who become the workaholics as adults.  They never learn how to play and be playful.  Freddie and Fredericka have also learned to be critical and judgmental and very often are their own worst critics. Things simply can’t be good enough.

            Why is Freddie this way?  Because life will always rock the boat causing an unstable environment. Freddies’s coping mechanism says, “Do everything perfectly and nothing wrong can happen.”   So if Fredericka makes the beds in the morning, and dusts constantly, and if Freddie keeps all the tools in just the right place and gets to work early and stays late, why then the world won’t fall apart.  This is the child who is trying desperately to stabilize an unstable environment all by him or herself.

            Freddie the Fixer becomes a wonderful distraction for the parents keeping them from dealing with any real problems. They are too busy swelling their chests and pointing their fingers with pride at their progeny. The parents need not look at their own shortcomings and sense of unworthiness because their child will make up the discrepancy.

            But think of the pressure this places on the child.   He must succeed.  The child naturally wants to please the parent.  This is the way it is supposed to be and works smoothly and successfully when parents offer the correct incentives and role modeling. Unfortunately most parents come from unstable environments of varying degrees and they too have accepted dysfunctional labels.

            How easy it is for Freddie the Workaholic to begin using stimulants to keep him going through his self-imposed regiment and depressants to help him sleep to bring a false release from tension and pressure.  Superman and Wonder Woman are going to need their coffee, sugar, mega-vitamins, cocaine and also their martinis and pot and sleeping pills.

            Notice that all these roles from Freddie the Fixer to Bonnie the Baby are children who never really learn to grow up.  They are frightened children feeling unworthy and unsure.  Each hopes his role will control the uncontrollable, and in Freddie’s case, by doing everything perfectly he will wash away his sense of unworthiness, gain approval and support and, not the least important, material comfort. 

            But for poor Freddie, nothing will ever be good enough.  His push for perfection will make failure inevitable underlining his sense of unworthiness.  Remember, Freddie is a highly critical person,  critical of himself and critical of others.  His whole coping mechanism will now undermine and destroy something fundamental - his ability to be intimate in relationships.

            And so within all these roles is an attempt to feel worthy, gain acceptance and create intimacy, but each is doomed to fail from the beginning.

(In the near future we can look at the other personality tactics and see who you recognze. Meanwhile you can find more of this in  Recovery and A Course in Miracles”  in the left column)