TOMMY THE TERRIBLE
(Continuing for the next weeks Monday Mind Openers will be a detailed look at the five roles children manifest in dysfunctional families - you will probably see yourself there. I certainly did!)
Tommie the Terrible is the rebel and is often doing the “wrong” thing according to society. He may as a child have had an overly critical parent, a Freddie the Fixer type. (Keep in mind, however, that any role can be a cause or enabler of any other role.) So here we have Tommie never feeling that he can ever do anything right no matter how hard he tries and so he gives up trying. By rebelling against authority he gains attention and so begins a spiraling cycle of pride damaging activities to gain a sense of love through critical attention and punishment. Tommie revels in his behavior even though he hates himself for it.
Superficially each of these role players say they love who and what they are, and yet they still hate themselves. This creates a no/win, psychologically stressful situation.
Since Tommie equates attention with love he will continue his behavior to get the attention/love he needs. We can see this unfortunate pattern in abused children. Many times they actually set up situations for abuse. They have learned to confuse abusive attention with love. Children then grow up and marry into abusive relationships looking again and again for the love they mistakenly see in abusive attention.
For Freddie the Fixer attention is acquired through doing things right. For Tommie the Terrible the opposite is true. “If I get in trouble I will get the attention I need and want.”
The struggle is for self esteem and Tommie is saying, “I will succeed if I fail”. Since no one will trust him, trust becomes a major breakdown area for Tommie. There goes intimacy in his relationships since Tommie has to be a trouble maker assuring that he will not be able to get close to anyone.
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